One morning last April, I woke up to my phone blowing up with a barrage of hate comments on an old TikTok video posted over a year prior. As a content creator who has been making videos discussing hyper-feminine fashion and lifestyle for several years now, this was not an entirely new experience. The hyper-feminine aesthetic has exploded in popularity in recent years, with the coquette trend turning bows, frills and pastel colours into mainstream fashion staples, and the popularity of the Barbie movie last summer making hot pink the shade of the season. The response to my videos celebrating hyper-femininity and all things girly are therefore usually largely positive, nevertheless, daring to have an opinion on the internet unfortunately means the occasional random hate comments are a mandatory side effect. Normally, I simply block, delete and move on. However, what made that morning different was not just the sheer volume of comments I received, but also who was behind them. It wasn’t the usual ‘’Red Pilled’’ men or anonymous trolls who were sending me insults, but rather a group of women who label themselves as ‘’radical feminists.’’

‘‘Look at our feminists [...] they’re 360’ing their way into archaic gender [roles] and calling it revolutionary.’’

‘‘These women have got to be the most pathetic specimens I’ve ever seen.’’

‘‘She’s a walking male fantasy. It’s so depressing that this is what passes for feminism.’’

Above are some of the less explicit comments I received from these so-called ‘’feminists,’’ all of whom strongly objected to me calling myself a feminist whilst posting hyper-feminine content online. The video which attracted their attention was in fact intended to be humorous and partially satirical, in which I showcased a new hyper-feminine outfit adorned with hearts and bows overlaid with the on-screen caption: ‘’Me having to explain to every new man that I meet that I’m not hyper-feminine in the conservative, conforming to the patriarchy, women should marry a strong man and have his babies type of way… but rather the fourth-wave feminist, borderline misandrist, refusing to accept society’s devaluation of anything feminine as inferior, living life like it’s a Sofia Coppola movie type of way.’’ Whilst I do not actually consider myself a ‘’borderline misandrist’’ and the Sofia Coppola reference was largely jovial, I stand by the fact that there is an inherent sense of feminism in embracing hyper-femininity in a society where feminine things are constantly mocked and regarded as inferior. I eventually dealt with these ‘’feminists’’ the same as I would any other internet troll (blocking, deleting, moving on), however their comments sparked a train of thought as to what exactly it means to call yourself a feminist in 2024.

In the UK and US, growing agitations for increased rights for women first began in the mid-19th century. What is considered the ‘’First Wave’’ of feminism in the Western world came about in the 1890s, with the Suffragette movement who fought for women’s right to vote. This was followed by the Second Wave of feminism beginning in the late 1950s, which helped to give women equal rights in the workplace (The Equal Pay Act in the UK solidifying this in 1972) and increased female reproductive rights. However, Second Wave feminism has been highly criticised as only benefiting white, middle class women whilst ignoring the concerns of women of colour and other minorities. Third Wave feminism came about in the mid 1990s, with a focus on sexual liberation and reclaiming and subverting seemingly sexist symbols of the past. It was much more inclusive to women of colour, yet was also criticised by the movement that came before it for not invoking enough real world change. We are now in the Fourth Wave of feminism, which began in the 2010s in response to growing concerns around sexual harassment and rape culture, with the ‘’Me Too’’ movement leading women across the world to share their stories of sexual harassment on social media. Of course, it must be noted that this brief history of feminism merely details Anglo-American political sentiment. The complex and intricate histories of the many feminist movements that exist around the globe (for example, Islamic feminism in Egypt and the 4B movement in South Korea) are too vast for me to be able to touch on them all in this article. With feminism encompassing so many schools of thought and perspectives, it is impossible to define one single all encompassing feminist ideology, and debates around what it means to call yourself a feminist have existed ever since the movement’s inception. After all, what one woman deems as ‘’liberation’’ will be different to the next woman.

Growing up as a young teenager in the 2010s, I was surrounded by messages of ‘’girlboss’’ feminism. As we got older, I and other young women were often warned against dressing too feminine or being too overt in our love of girly things like make-up or rom-coms for fear of being taken less seriously by society and men. The majority of us went through an ‘’I’m not like other girls faze’’ as a result, all of us in silent competition with each other for who could act most like ‘’one of the boys.’’ We pretended to hate the colour pink and shamefully hid away our Barbie dolls, determined to earn the approval of society with more serious pursuits like reading or watching sports. ‘’Growing up it was very cool to be ‘anti girly’,’’ says Kelsey Campbell, a 31 year old from Baltimore. ‘’The era I grew up [in] from ages 8-16 was the ‘anti girly’ era which played into this ‘look boys! I’m low maintenance and girly things are STUPID I’m one of you! Please accept me!’ Rejecting girly things, rejecting femininity and looking down on it, laughing at women who liked flowers, painting their nails, romantic films/books, dressing feminine - it was a way to say ‘I’m a girl but not THAT kind of girl, that kind is awful…because….because…’ and there was no answer. It was a caricature made up to paint girls/women who enjoyed things labelled as “girly” to be bad, stupid, and not valuable to society.’’

It was only as I got older that I saw my ‘I’m not like other girls phase’ for what it was; internalised misogyny. We rarely seem to tell men to give up the ‘’childish’’ things they enjoy; no one would bat an eye at a man who lists video games and comic books as his main hobbies, so why does society mock women for liking Barbie and the colour pink? It was in my twenties that I began to embrace my love for all things girly once again, wearing my pink ensembles with pride and without a care for what society thought of me. Being confident in your identity and dressing how you love regardless of what a patriarchal society expects of you is definitely a form of feminism in my eyes, and my platform as a content creator is all about encouraging women to be unafraid to embrace their femininity. After all, isn’t telling women and girls to give up the things they enjoy for the sake of how society will perceive them the very essence of misogyny itself? ‘’Dressing feminine, being ‘high maintenance’ [...] enjoying what you enjoy despite being told we need to stop or else we’ll be incorrectly labelled as something we’re not - is 100% feminist,’’ argues Campbell. ‘’It’s saying that despite the negative things hurled at us, and shoved down our throats to be less, dress less feminine, be quiet, do as society tells us, - we refuse. We can do anything we want. And do it with a pink beret on our heads.’’

Hyper-femininity is also about so much more than just clothes or hobbies. In a masculine society where people are encouraged to be competitive and individualistic in all walks of life, I believe there are many traits typically associated with femininity that are very much under-valued. Being caring, kind, empathetic and introspective are all key aspects of hyper-femininity. ‘’I owe a large part of my outlook on life to being hyper-feminine,’’ says Natasha Shah, 24, from London, who describes her aesthetic as ‘’hyper-feminine coquette [with] inspiration from princess/ballet-core and First Lady styles.’’ Shah details the impact that hyper-femininity has had on her life beyond just clothing. ‘’Being hyper feminine actually made me romanticise not just my aesthetic but my life too. I also feel like there is nothing more feminine than being your kindest, compassionate and most elegant self. For me, it’s a lifestyle and I strive to reflect my femininity on not only my surroundings and exterior but my interior- morals, etiquette, being softly spoken, my energy and how I assimilate into society.’’ Shah also agrees that hyper-femininity is absolutely compatible with feminism. ‘’To me, feminism is doing whatever brings you joy as a female. Some days even as a hyper-feminine girl I want to put on a blazer with heels and red lipstick and feel like a girl boss. Some days I want to wear a princess dress while I do my laundry. Both are the epitome of feminism because feminism is being unapologetic in whatever brings us joy.’’

With the rise of the coquette trend, the popularity of Bridgerton and ‘’Barbie-core’’ going viral, recent years have seen an influx in women from all around the globe dressing in the hyper-feminine aesthetic. However, for many self proclaimed girly girls, the journey towards embracing their femininity was a difficult one. ‘’When I was a teenager I thought it was uncool to be girly and wanted to be more of a tomboy. I resisted wearing pink at all,’’ says Marianna Klopfer, a 25 year old living in London. ‘’With influences like the Barbie movie and Bridgerton, I found my love of princess inspired things again. I have a feeling it’s also more acceptable in society as it’s become mainstream that adults dress this way now. I feel so much more comfortable and confident wearing more feminine clothing.’’ ‘’It’s got a lot easier to be princessy hyper-feminine because of the coquette turned mainstream movement,’’ agrees Shah. ‘’I would definitely say liking bows and pink was like being in the trenches before this movement [...] I have had comments before like ‘why are you wearing that?’ and dirty looks. Terms like cringe, over done, try hard, childish etc. Particularly with dressing very feminine and liking hair bows and lace frill socks for example, people seem to connote that with being very childish but now it’s in trend I would say there is less backlash.’’ Campbell also notes a shift in societal attitudes towards hyper-femininity. ‘’I will say as time has gone on, I feel society embracing girliness as a form of self expression is much much more accepted,’’ she says. ‘’In the past ten years or so it’s been much more positive, but I recall many times I’ve been “attacked” for dressing how I like [...] I would be called stupid, lots of sexual insults as well, because I suppose wearing a dress means everyone has access to my body. It was difficult at times. But I’m happy I never gave up on being a girly girl, and dressing how I liked. I knew that dressing girly didn’t detract from my personality, my ambitions, my wit, my heart.’’ Natasha Mathieson, 24, from Liverpool, describes a similar experience. ‘’I’ve always loved hyper-feminine styles, I just didn’t have the confidence to dress this way for a long time. In high school I got heavily bullied for [dressing girly] so I changed my style to make others happy; a lot of my old friend group made fun of me for dressing girly, calling me a grandma and childish.’’ Mathieson expresses a vastly positive impact on her life after gaining the confidence to embrace feminine fashion. ‘’I feel the best I’ve ever felt, like the real me has come out of my shell and I’m happy with the life I live and the style I have.’’

Michelle Rose, 29, from Fort Worth, TX is a transgender woman who also recounts the hugely positive impact that the hyper-feminine aesthetic has had on her. ‘’As a trans girl I noticed that I loved all things girly at a young age! I favoured dolls over toy cars and princess dresses over superhero costumes. It was very hard at first because I was afraid [of] what people would say and think about me,’’ says Rose. ‘’It took some time to get comfortable showing my true pink nature but after time I decided I shouldn’t care what other people think and dress like the girly girl I am in my heart! After embracing being a girly girl, I truly feel free! Growing up as a boy I always heard that boys need to act like boys and do/wear things that were considered “manly”. But as I got older I decided to live the life I wanted and that meant trading in my boring boy clothes for pink frilly things and high heels. The only negatives I face are from mean, close minded people, but they’re not worth the time!!’’

In many ways, celebrating girlhood can be seen as a defining social media trend of the 2020s. Videos talking about ‘’Girl Maths’’ and ‘’Girl Dinner’’ have gathered millions of views on TikTok, with ‘’I’m just a girl’’ being used as a humorous tongue in cheek phrase by many women online when describing being in a stressful situation. Seemingly gone are the days where women strive to be seen as ‘’not like other girls;’’ instead we take pride in being very much just like other girls. For many women, being called a ‘’pick me girl’’ or ‘’not a girl's girl’’ is the worst thing to be labelled. The phrase ‘’pick me girl’’ describes a girl who does not stand for other women and instead puts them down for the approval and validation of men. Examples of pick me girls range from ‘’Men’s Rights Activist’’ Pearl Davis (who went viral for her claims that ‘’women shouldn’t vote, that they should remain virgins until marriage and submissive to their husbands, and that there’s never an excuse for divorce’’) to Eloise in Season 3 of Bridgerton mocking the other young ladies of the ton for having interests in embroidery and other traditionally feminine pursuits. The essence of the pick me girl is not defined by her views on femininity or traditional gender roles, but rather her steadfast belief that she is somehow ‘’better’’ than other women and her attempts to leverage this so called superiority to be seen as more worthy or respectable in the eyes of men and patriarchal society.

“Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it's all a male fantasy: that you're strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren't catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you're unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride

As summarised beautifully by Margaret Atwood in the quote above, existing as a woman within a patriarchal society means it is impossible to escape the male gaze. Whether you dress traditionally feminine or shun every article of clothing in the colour pink, you are catering to a male fantasy. So why not just dress in what makes you happy, regardless of what society or men think of you? I’m not disregarding the problems that exist within the hyper-feminine community; the traditionally feminine aesthetic has historically catered towards white and thin body types, and women who do not fit into the typical societal standards of beauty are often treated worse by the patriarchy. However, as a woman of colour myself who embraces the hyper-feminine aesthetic, I do believe we are starting to see a shift towards diversity and challenging beauty ideals (see article on How TikTok’s Hyper-Feminine Community is Increasing Diversity in the Fashion Industry). To me, the truest form of feminism is supporting other women whilst also being unafraid to embrace your true self regardless of the backlash from the patriarchy. Therefore, I encourage anyone who has ever felt afraid to dress girly out of fear of being mocked to wear their pink and sparkly ensembles with pride. There is unfortunately still far to go in regards to women’s liberation, but the first step for every individual woman to take is staying true to yourself.

When asked what it means to be a girly girl, many of the women I interviewed described the strength and sense of self expression they draw from femininity. ‘’Being a girly girl to me means embracing myself as a person and as a girl, ‘’ says Campbell. ‘’It also means that I proudly assert that being a girly girl has zero negative connotations when I am simply being myself. I’m not weak or too soft or vapid. I’m just being myself, and I can dress how I like, and spend time doing what I enjoy while being strong, opinionated and intelligent, all while wearing ribbon in my hair.’’ ‘’To me, being a girly girl means being unapologetic about your femininity and embracing it without worrying about others thinking you’re over-the-top with it!! Personally I also think it means having a personality that’s bubbly and kind and caring about others!! I believe all girly girls are “girl’s girls'' at heart too,’’ says Rose. ‘’I think it’s a form of embracing femininity and your power as a woman. Because you are not afraid to embrace what you want to wear and be confident and proud of being a woman,’’ Klopfer says. ‘’[Since embracing hyper-femininity] I feel at peace and aligned with my soul. I take solace in knowing that I’m doing what brings me joy,’’ says Shah. ‘’When I see girly things I get butterflies, and I think we all deserve to feel butterflies.’’

References:

Atwood, M. (1993) A quote from the robber bride, Goodreads. Available at: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/329778-male-fantasies-male-fantasies-is-everything-run-by-male-fantasies (Accessed: 29 May 2024).
Burkett, E. and Brunell , L. (2024) Feminism, Encyclopædia Britannica. Available at: https://www.britannica.com/topic/feminism#ref216004 (Accessed: 29 May 2024).
History.com Editors (2019) Feminism’s long history, History.com. Available at: https://www.history.com/topics/womens-history/feminism-womens-history (Accessed: 29 May 2024).
Pariseau, A. (2023) Pearl Davis and the illusion of approval: Why the pick-me always loses, Dames That Know. Available at: https://damesthatknow.com/the-pick-me-always-loses/ (Accessed: 29 May 2024).
Second wave feminism primary sources & history (no date) Gale. Available at: https://www.gale.com/primary-sources/womens-studies/collections/second-wave-feminism (Accessed: 29 May 2024).

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